Do You Know What Really Chaps My Ass?: Part 1 in an Ongoing Series

Andrea, this one's for you.

I'm going to start a feature called "Do You Know What Really Chaps My Ass?" I know, everything chaps my ass. But these will be the things that I just generally, in an offhanded, annoyed and slightly distant way, find to be...ugh.

I know the phrase "chaps my ass" is so heavily crass that it's almost unforgivable. But hey, so am I, so let's get down to it.

Jersey Shore. Seriously, guys. Quit watching this smut. What has happened to MTV? No, nix that: what has happened to television? Now, I watch a lot of TV, because, as I keep saying, I am unemployed and I spend most of my day at home (when not job hunting) either cleaning house, going upstairs to stop Sooky from playing with the food in the bowls, going outside/downstairs to smoke (cigarettes), plotting out what to make for dinner and watching TV. Mainly the news. Do you know why I mainly watch the news? Because The Golden Girls and Roseanne don't have marathons every day of the week. That, and television sucks so much dick it should work in Vegas, so that way it would at least get health care for the effort. Who the hell chooses programming? We can't come up with something better than a bunch of gutter trash from Jersey? Really? Or people who live in complete squalor or who are so heavily addicted to drugs that their families have to have multiple interventions for them? Really? Huh. Well, I guess I'm just not up on my pop culture.

There was a time when I appreciated the trashier side of television. I used to love VH1. Rarely was my television on and not tuned to VH1. I like lists and I like countdowns, which they have (had?) in abundance. That's a win-win for me. And I still appreciate the comical aspect of shitty shows like these. I mean, I get it. I can see sitting around with your friends and just unabashedly making fun of these complete losers who think their lives are so important (or interesting, for that matter) that they merit their own reality show. People like laughing at trash. I do. I make fun of trash all the time. And I love using the word "trash" to refer to subpar human beings. It doesn't make me feel better and I don't use the word because I think I'm better than them. I am better than them. Simple fact. Use it as you will.

It's hard for me to embrace trash, though. I mean, sure, trash like Sarah Palin, I can get behind that, because it touches on what I'm interested in, which is politics and figures who insist on inserting themselves into the political dialogue. But trash like Tila Tequila? Really? You want to talk about an attention whore? Look at this bitch:



SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY?!?!?! This woman (who clearly has been/still is a whore, attention based and/or otherwise) is a fucking joke. She's a useless caricature of what a human being should be. This...thing...god, she just makes me nauseous. I can hear her voice in my head as I type this and it's making me cringe in disgust. This thing had a TV show, all her own. Had anyone ever even heard of her before? Anyone? Did anyone care enough about her to support her having a TV show? No? No one? Then you must not work for Viacom, because they just eat her shit like it's fudge. Something I'm sure many men and women have also done in private over the years. That's how big a skank I think this broad is. And she's still around. The Johnson & Johnson heiress that just died, Casey? That was Tila Tequila's girlfriend. Now, no disrespect for the dead, but what the fuck, Johnson? Tila Tequila goes on and on and on about her "wifey" (gagging!) and then Johnson's equally trashy super whore heiress friends (Super Whore Heiress Friends? They should have a comic book, or a cartoon) start going back and forth with Tila in the "news" and just...Jesus H. Christ, shut up you skeezbags! No one cares about any of you, and anyone who claims they really do should be sodomized with a glaive. Yeah, that's right. Sodomized. With that thing.

And it seems this phenomenon has leaked into the music world. Ke$ha, you say?



Ke$ha. Just typing that makes my sphincter retract in a way that makes me even angrier that she exists. This beast should be caged and never released. This is not music. It is garbage. She describes her "style" as "garbage-chic." She has the "garbage" part right. She claims Beck and Queen influenced her. Beck and Queen. Go listen to her hot new single (and the fact that that is a true statement is horrifying). Go ahead. Here it is. I'll wait, if you can even make it through the whole thing.



Yeah. If that's the influence Beck and Queen have on people, I'm sure they'd rather just burn all of their records and kill themselves, because clearly they must have done something wrong.

Sooooo...where do you go when this is what passes for legitimate entertainment? Do you burn your television in effigy of Snooki and "The Situation?" I mean, who the hell thinks that's a good nickname? "The Situation."



You think your abs are something to be proud of? Sure, my stomach doesn't look like that, but my face also doesn't look like someone tried to perform a rhinoplasty with a piñata bat. So, I really think I win in that situation. Who the fuck are you anyway? I'd look it up on Wikipedia, but I really don't care enough to go through the effort.

Where do you go then? I have no fucking idea. They're everywhere. They're inescapable. These assholes will live on in infamy while I live on without a job. There is no justice in the world. Shit like this is proof that God doesn't exist, and if He does, He is an unjust God. He must really hate the human race. Hell, this makes me hate the human race.

My opinion? Send 'em all to Gitmo. That'll show 'em. Meanwhile, I'll take this lady right here.



Any day of the week.